your secrets are safe with me.

i don't want to do this
i want to do this.
OMG why am i such an idiot.

this game of tug and release
that i can't help.
i tell to myself;
let me go.

Disappointment.

It's inevitable that we face some sort of disappointment in our lives. We set all kinds of expectations and we want to live up to them. When we fall short of them, our emotions make a turnaround. But why is it that we still continue to set these rules and standards to our lives that continue to risk putting such turmoil to our emotions?

Because the opposite of disappointment is satisfaction. A sense of achievement when we reach the seemingly unreachable. We pushed our limits, and it paid off. To meet the high expectations that we set ourselves is ample proof to the society of the type of calibre we are ( for those who care) and also the stereotype which defines us. It nurses our pride, and feeds our ego. For we are humans, we need recognition and acceptance.

And while there's so much to gain, there is equally that much to lose.

i know its stupid to cry about exam results but.

my results are so bad i can't even cry, i can't sleep. and every waking moment i'm thinking about it. screwed.

gosh. i've never been so slapped in the face in my entire life. okay actually i have but this is different.

and it's a relevation that i've put alot of immaterial things before things that actually matter. and it showed in it.

and don't come telling me results are not everything( and i know they come from me). of course they are not everything, but on some extent they are something. and i'm just starting to realise how big that something is to me.

i just hope its not too late to do something about it.

omg.

anw it just dawned upon me that blogs are super self-indulgent. that i've been super extremely self indulgent.

and.

for the past few weeks i was seriously on a downward spiral. it was like negative builds on negative and positive diminishing and turns into negative. and more negative builds on. anw u get my point. SO DEPRESSING! but the last week was a hell lot better.

and im not sure whether its just me, but life generally feels better when i feel that there's someone whom i can turn to. even if it's like a one way communication thing. or maybe its a self prophesy thing, but i'd like to call it faith.