your secrets are safe with me.

2009-05-31T07:36:00.000-07:00

i just wanted some kinda reassurance and some kinda feeling that u're still there. and you went to tell me 'no, im not getting attached', ' it's not serious' and that i shouldnt get so uptight about this........ and that if i think this way, you wont blame me, cux u respect me, and that you think im a nice girl, yup.

how do you think that makes me feel?

like im not worth anything to you, just another nice girl( btw, there are HORDES of there outside).

you know, ure such an asshole.

2009-05-05T07:42:00.000-07:00

so, your idea of a chat is a form of zen.. peace and quiet. a non-existent conversation.
CAN.

2009-05-04T06:40:00.000-07:00

its really tiring,
to like someone who likes you but doesn't show it, and makes you feel like you're begging for his attention, who doesnt seem to care whether this thing works out or not. whom even if you give an ultimatum, won't bother to make more of an effort.
it's even more painful, more tiring to know all of this, and still want to make this work.

2009-04-22T04:30:00.000-07:00

omg. why you always choose the wrong time to ask the wrong questions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and if u dont want to know the answer dont ask the question!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! see now u dont know how to reply. so u just want information so that u can gossip right?!?!?!

AND THEN YOU HUHHHHH....

YES IM V POOR THING. like i need more sympathy right now.

infuriating.

2009-04-10T03:13:00.001-07:00

COMPUTER GOT VIRUS. omg

pulp fiction is good. and watching movies to prepare for exam is much much tooooo relaxing. im getting a bit scared now, but am still procrastinating. HELLO THERE BRAIN. start to panic, please!?!?!?!

2009-03-27T09:38:00.000-07:00

i like you,
but hate the fact that you may think im not good enough for the both of us.
and scared of the possibility that you're not the kind of person whom i think you are
and im terrified that its too late to turn back.
'nuff said.

2009-03-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

i feel like a little sister again, trying to know where you are, and you are reluctant to tell me.
you don't get the point, I dont want to see you, i just want to create some kinda conversation.
stupid you.

2009-03-20T08:35:00.000-07:00

i feel like i've changed, in such a short space of time. and i think i don't like what i'm seeing.

pray, pray for guidance;
pray, pray for the calmness of mind.
pray.

IM IN MY OWN HORROR MOVIE.

2009-02-15T11:22:00.001-08:00

STOP JUDGING ALREADY.
wait. how about i stop talking to you first. or replying.

see. its a self screwing thing.

2009-02-15T10:56:00.000-08:00

am on a path to self destruction, why? because:
1) i don't know what i want
2) my emotions are overridding everything; and
3) they are highly disruptive to school work
4) laziness and sloth
5) own stomach rejecting everything. and i don't know why. maybe am bulimic. HAH.
6) i know what i need to do but clearly i'm not doing it.

2009-02-12T10:57:00.000-08:00

ARGH.

i'm tired of you judging me all the time. and
a) you're not my boyfriend
b) i'm not your girlfriend
c) i don't even know if u're a friend!

so why do i have to freaking listen to your comments AND CHANGE MY BEHAVIOUR? and what gives you the right to judge me whatever it is? and you, calling me a flower girl IS PRETTY DAMN SHIT ASS OF YOU. just because i gave something to a few people doesnt mean that IM TRYING TO GET WHATEVER I CAN. SO WTH IS WRONG WITH YOU. CAN'T PEOPLE GIVE PRESENTS TO WHOM THEY CONSIDER FRIENDS ON VALENTINES DAY?????

AND WHY IS IT THAT SOMETIMES YOU'RE SO FREAKING NICE TO ME, BUT MOST OF THE TIME YOU JUST WANT TO TORTURE ME WITH THOSE CRUEL WORDS OF YOURS. BEING NICE DOES NOT MAKE IT UP FOR BEING F EVIL. and i hate using the f word, but there's no better way to say it than this.

I DON'T SHOW THAT I'M HURT BUT OBVIOUSLY YOU KNOW SOMETHING'S WRONG WHEN I IGNORE YOU AND I'M HAPPY TALKING TO EVERYONE AROUND EXCEPT YOU.

I'M STARTING TO REALLY REALLY DISLIKE YOU. YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE FOR BULLYING ME.

2009-01-29T10:27:00.001-08:00

screaming for attention; ANYONE?!?!?!

but i know i don't really really want you, asking for you to give a damn about me would be unfair.

2009-01-26T20:18:00.000-08:00

new perspectives

out with the old, in with the new.
I think sometimes we all get so caught up with replacing the old with new, we forget.
there is value in keeping the antiquated, for they represent more than just things of the past.

and an angpow that contains a crumpled, dirty, old red note that reeks of numerous hands passing through it
I don't despise it, or feel like i want to Dettol my hands for fear of bacteria or germs.
I am touched, because it carries more than the amount that denotes. It contains sentiments of painstaking hardwork, love, and sincerity.

and meeting you made me see
how things should be
that my wants are not my needs
that you are still who you are, not what i think you are ( and i'm really glad for that)
and i love you.(:

2009-01-08T23:18:00.001-08:00

word of advice to the guys:

if you're giving chocolate, make sure they arent spoilt!

2009-01-04T18:29:00.000-08:00

i seriously dont know where we are heading towards
actually i know its heading nowhere lol, BUT
it feels better not knowing than knowing the bad.

school's starting! time to get psyched up!
hope get into choir, so fun!

2008-11-29T10:38:00.000-08:00

just when i want to give up talking to you,
i need your help.
WTH?!??!?!?!

2008-11-17T05:50:00.000-08:00

im feeling as sweet as the taohuey in my stomach.
lol.
shit. how like that!

and why is it that when im mean everyone else starts being nice to me.

2008-11-17T03:11:00.000-08:00

sianness and tired are my favourite words right now

2008-11-12T22:54:00.001-08:00

KAMIKAZI

exams drilling in
people annoying me forever and ever( i know i get really anal)
coming into my life, i don't want
and there's just the slightest piece of silver lining,
THAT's about to turn like a useless piece of gray trimming in a few weeks time.

WHY TELL ME WHY you..

stressssssssss. like stressball

2008-11-09T08:14:00.000-08:00

I've made up my mind,
No need to think it over,
If i'm wrong I aint right,
No need to look no further,
This ain't lust,
This is love but,

If i tell the world,
I'll never say enough,
Cause it was not said to you,
And thats exactly what i need to do,
If i'm in love with you,

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

I'd build myself up,
And fly around in circles,
Wait then as my heart drops,
and my back begins to tingle
finally could this be it

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

2008-11-03T18:24:00.000-08:00

study.
on exponential learning curve yea?
and back to the good ole days of being able to study the whole day, well, somewhat.

2008-10-26T12:09:00.000-07:00

i always thought that i was the type to forgive when the time came,
just that it takes a long time for me to shake off the bad memories,
but i think not everyone has the patience to wait for this to happen.

and you know, things might have just worked out had you waited for a while longer.

2008-10-25T09:00:00.000-07:00

i don't know why i let myself go deeper;
i'll just end up broken when you go away.
as i said, we're at different paths of our lives,
maybe only for now,
but maybe for always.
so why bother,
when i know exactly where this will end.
all i know is that i want you more than a friend,
but a friend is the most you can be, to me.

2008-10-21T18:54:00.001-07:00

don't understand how people can make me feel worse about myself

2008-10-20T03:25:00.000-07:00

stresssssssssssss.
grouchyyyyyyyy.

hates the fact that liking someone can be so transient.

2008-10-17T20:36:00.000-07:00

this isn't working out like it should
maybe it was a mistake in the first place.
it's like a inner frustration--
im surrounded by people
but i feel so alone.

2008-10-16T10:58:00.000-07:00

I AM FUCKING PISSED.
she's like the diva in the group thinking that shes so damn high from RJC
laughs and talks like a bimbo and wastes my time,
AND LAUGHS AT MY CORRECT ANSWERS. you know you're not that smart yea?
leaves project meeting early for her jazz and blues cca,
starts slacking off,
then when its time to hand it the project,
she goes, AIYO JIALAT WHY GOT SO MANY GRAMMATICAL ERRORS
when she didn't even try correcting them in the first place.

HI WHO'S THE COMPILER MAY I ASK.
IT'S YOU NOT ME,
so why the hell am i covering your ass?
SCREW YOU.

why do i meet so many of such people.
i'm sick of all of you.

2008-10-02T05:29:00.000-07:00

aussie is gone, but don't feel anything about it; good thing for me.

2008-09-29T07:29:00.000-07:00

i don't want to use you anymore

and i love netball! exercise produces endorphins, and endorphins make you happy(:

2008-09-28T03:31:00.000-07:00

i just hate this really.

hate being helpless, useless.
and hate waiting. and waiting for someone who clearly has forgotten.
and smiling, is purely a facade.

2008-09-23T21:51:00.000-07:00

you're coming back
i think.

2008-09-21T20:39:00.000-07:00

wonders why love can be so hurtful at times,
maybe that's why i'd rather stay off from this crazy emo diet.

2008-09-16T09:53:00.000-07:00

life is a bitch you know

especially when you want to excel in something,
yet there are so many things
to bring you down
and those people who are bitches to your cause
and they can't cut you some slack.

i need to give them a break
and so should they to me.

let's be amicable in working, please.

i just need that one thing to pull me back up.
confidence.

2008-09-11T12:17:00.000-07:00

I WANT TO GET RID OF EMO-NESS!!!!!!!!!
i want to get rid of all the unpleasant moments
i want to get rid of the awkwardness with my friends
i just want everything to be okay

2008-09-08T06:15:00.000-07:00

i can't quite seem to figure you out. you seem to dislike me sometimes, sometimes u see me as a friend ( or so i think) and i just don't quite know if we are friends at all.

2008-09-01T07:27:00.000-07:00

i hate people when they jump into conclusions about me, especially when they don't know me. and even more so when they supposedly know me.

and if you really knew me, you wouldn't hurt me like you did.

2008-09-01T00:08:00.000-07:00

i'm confused.
is my groupmate really that dumb? cux she doesn't know how to access to STARS to get her timetable.. and she can't seem to check the link to stars herself.
hmmm.

2008-08-28T09:05:00.000-07:00

why do you continually do this to her
to punish or what
cux seriously i don't get you
and you seriously shouldn't get to have her

2008-08-27T06:46:00.000-07:00

im going to stop bitching already, dont see any point, don't learn anything from it and have vented enough anger for the past few weeks.

2008-08-26T11:06:00.000-07:00

i am very worried for myself. really really worried.

2008-08-23T23:55:00.000-07:00

Don't freaking give me that accusing tone when i should be the one scolding you for not doing your job.

2008-08-21T06:42:00.000-07:00

OMGOMGOMGOMG

you are bloody selfish and i hope i dont have to pick up the pieces

2008-08-20T11:46:00.000-07:00

intrigued,
can't open you up.

never heard from you,
i think i'll leave.

i could get used to this,
but this is the furthest it gets.
anymore and it's too close for comfort.

hmmmmmm.

2008-08-16T02:43:00.000-07:00

not having enough sleep definitely creates havoc to your brains

2008-08-15T11:04:00.000-07:00

im tired. finally.

2008-08-13T11:22:00.000-07:00

ARGH.

2008-08-07T11:18:00.000-07:00

i think.
there's a point where the blood bleeds dry.
and there's nothing left, for more bleeding, or for salvaging.
if there's such a point, this is it.

and this is the point where all good and bad things come to a standstill. the good stops being better, and the bad stops being worse. it's like a state of inert and i don't know if im looking for more trouble, or i just want things to be better again.

2008-08-05T04:00:00.000-07:00

things that leave a black sludge of tar on your canvass
scarring
tragic.

2008-07-26T20:37:00.000-07:00

we all have our own lives. so, please leave me space.
and i don't want to start disliking you, so don't make me.
stop the words, the questions, the interrogating.
just stop.

2008-07-26T09:12:00.000-07:00

shit my heart. so not doing what the brain has instructed it to do.

2008-07-25T09:42:00.000-07:00

Update 1242am: serendipity is not serenity; it's not used to describe tranquility! hahahhahahahahahahahaha( own private joke)

2008-07-25T02:41:00.000-07:00

life is good again.
and life moves on again.
still hanging. but leaving the hanging to hang till someone does something about it.
and that's definitely not me.

and why am i caring so much if you don't? i just don't want to be responsible for your mistakes. if someone is willing to help you pay for your mistakes, by all means do what you like, what you want.

i love you, but sometimes it's difficult to do so. please be more understanding? and PLEASE. don't push me off the edge cause i don't want to ruin this love.

you make me think that the world is a better place; that maybe people in this world aren't as cold as they cut out to be. i'm glad i took the initiative and spoke to you.

2008-07-18T10:42:00.000-07:00

i'm tired.
i want myold life back
the days of not knowing your existence
the days that pass me by numb.
for numbness feels better
than a sense of helplessness that devours
me
nothing.

2008-07-16T09:32:00.000-07:00

i can't take this up and down emotional thing. it's too hard

2008-07-16T09:05:00.000-07:00

why do we always fall prey to our own emotions?
why is it so frustrating
why can't we control ourselves

why does it always happen to us.

it happens and i don't have an explanation.

2008-07-14T07:16:00.001-07:00

OMGOMGOMG im having the time of my life cleaning my room

sounds weird right. but damn true.

okay here the story goes:

i was whining about cleaning up and overhauling my room, UNTIL i uncovered my primary school diary.

it's hilarious, really.

for i had spelt the word weird as 'wired' in the sentence, ' My new chinese teacher is really wired.'

and apparently, i've had a problem with speaking the truth: 'I went to eat macdonald's then i lied to my parents saying that i waited for the rain to stop. Please help! I know that lying is not good. But i just could not control myself. I do not want to do it again.'

and the next entry, i read that i had lied to my parents again. well apparently, asking a diary for help doesn't seem to quite cut it.

lol my biggest takeaway? my grammar was pretty good at pri 4.

2008-07-10T09:14:00.000-07:00

sometimes its easy to forget.

2008-06-28T07:23:00.000-07:00

i don't want to do this
i want to do this.
OMG why am i such an idiot.

2008-06-21T09:02:00.000-07:00

this game of tug and release
that i can't help.
i tell to myself;
let me go.

2008-06-09T03:07:00.000-07:00

Disappointment.

It's inevitable that we face some sort of disappointment in our lives. We set all kinds of expectations and we want to live up to them. When we fall short of them, our emotions make a turnaround. But why is it that we still continue to set these rules and standards to our lives that continue to risk putting such turmoil to our emotions?

Because the opposite of disappointment is satisfaction. A sense of achievement when we reach the seemingly unreachable. We pushed our limits, and it paid off. To meet the high expectations that we set ourselves is ample proof to the society of the type of calibre we are ( for those who care) and also the stereotype which defines us. It nurses our pride, and feeds our ego. For we are humans, we need recognition and acceptance.

And while there's so much to gain, there is equally that much to lose.

2008-06-04T19:11:00.000-07:00

i know its stupid to cry about exam results but.

my results are so bad i can't even cry, i can't sleep. and every waking moment i'm thinking about it. screwed.

gosh. i've never been so slapped in the face in my entire life. okay actually i have but this is different.

and it's a relevation that i've put alot of immaterial things before things that actually matter. and it showed in it.

and don't come telling me results are not everything( and i know they come from me). of course they are not everything, but on some extent they are something. and i'm just starting to realise how big that something is to me.

i just hope its not too late to do something about it.

2008-06-02T03:50:00.000-07:00

omg.

anw it just dawned upon me that blogs are super self-indulgent. that i've been super extremely self indulgent.

and.

for the past few weeks i was seriously on a downward spiral. it was like negative builds on negative and positive diminishing and turns into negative. and more negative builds on. anw u get my point. SO DEPRESSING! but the last week was a hell lot better.

and im not sure whether its just me, but life generally feels better when i feel that there's someone whom i can turn to. even if it's like a one way communication thing. or maybe its a self prophesy thing, but i'd like to call it faith.

2008-05-23T08:57:00.000-07:00

i seriously don't know what's wrong with me.
i know that there is something wrong. and i can feel myself changing.
sort of reverting back to who i was 10000 years ago.
ok. sort of.
but i don't understand why this backward evolution is occuring.
it's frustrating. and feels really really weird.

I know I shouldn't impose my opinions on others
and i was never so strongly opinionated.
but i know that i stand firm on my principles. maybe that's why i can't accept it when people go against their own.

I think its become hard for other people to get along with me.
it used to be more of a joke, now i think i'm carrying it to the side of truth.
I need to change, i think i need to relax.

I just think I'm starting to be the biggest bitch in the world.
bad.bad.bad.

forgetttttt.

2008-05-07T10:10:00.001-07:00

I AM FEELING PMS-YYYYyyy!!!!

argh. it's really bloody irritating to see people i cannot stand but i really must constantly remember that people make the choices they make for reasons that not everyone can understand. Especially me.

and im constantly swaying towards different people. don't ask me why. i know that i'm acting super hypocritical and if i were anyone else i would be super pissed off and call me a 2-headed slut. but i really can't help it. sometimes different people drive me crazy; and i can't do anything about that right? I tell you, it's my mood.

and it doesn't help that i have to tell someone about it because the more i tell people about it, the more 2-headed bitch i become. but if i keep it in myself any longer, i will DIEDIEDIE out of verbal constipation. seriously. and writing it here doesn't seem to help me catharsis anymore.

i can't continue to deny the existence of people actually reading my blog.
not that i wasn't aware that setting up a blog is kinda a PUBLIC EXHIBIT, its just that it was all along a form of self denial or a case of ignorance is happiness.

and i continue lamenting. to whoever who wants to listen or has no choice but to listen( cux it's rude not to)

sigh. sorry.

2008-04-20T12:36:00.000-07:00

This is a badly constructed poem but its dedicated to a dear friend of mine.

we grow in age all the time, it's undeniable
But growth. of what kind?

for some of us, we grow
in wisdom, in strength.
the rest--left behind-- wonder what went wrong
not with them,no
you are mistaken
but the dear ones who grow.

for us who know
it is not what went wrong
but what went right.

and those poor blind souls,
you cannot blame
for what they cannot see.

2008-04-15T09:22:00.000-07:00

its funny when you tell yourself that you won't let some things affect you, but when you say things like that it obviously bothers you right?

something like that is happening to me and gahhhhh how irritating that is. especially when you're in the middle of an exam and suddenly it just comes to you and attacks on your concentration.
and i got so freaking frustrated ( and with the imbalancing of the bloody cashflow) that i almost wanted to stop doing the whole bloody paper ( with like erm... 35 marks worth of questions left)

it's just eating me up and screwing with my brain. i really don't need such crap right now thank you very much. especially coming from you ( and i bet you don't even know it.)

2008-04-13T10:00:00.000-07:00

I THINK
funny how this phrase sounds different to different people with different schools of thought.

mathematicians view it as a hint of uncertainty, like 'i THINK the answer is...'
lawyers view it as a phrase of conviction in misrepresentations ' i think this is blah.'
or
is it just a phrase to allow one to have the allowance to think of a better excuse? ' I THINK... i have something on'

hmmm.
i think..

2008-03-11T06:28:00.000-07:00

it's been a long time since i've updated my blog,
perhaps it's a lack of things to say,
perhaps it's a reluctance to say the things i truly want to say;
i don't know.

i don't feel happy, but i don't feel sad. it's like i'm trapped in this moment where i don't feel much for my own feelings anymore and it really scares me. there's always like this emotional obligation to feel okay because.. just because.

i think i need to tune back to hear what i really want to say and how i want to feel.

maybe its time to take a break

2008-02-08T04:17:00.000-08:00

heyo all babes and hunks who actually read my blog: happy cny okay.

it's like probably the best time of the year where u can relax and get money for relaxing( that is if ure single and still kinda young).. you probably can tell i'm not a very traditional person, but im sure no one complains about money within blessings right.

i know its probably weird that i sound like super emo in my blog posts( like some kinda angsty teenager who thinks that the world is out to get her) cux im quite normal and nice most of the time when im around people ( unless they happen to piss me off or something) .. well the truth is probably part of me hasnt out grew the angsty teenager in me and that's probably because it was never there during those years of adolescence. while everyone around me was engaging in stupid teenage acts like cutting, vomitting and whatnot, i was trying to be sensible and blahblahblah, or boring. i guess it finally caught up in me when i went to jc. a little late i guess, but what am i supposed to do right?

and no, im not morphing into an emo goth for one, in case anyone is wondering.

2008-02-02T09:13:00.000-08:00

i don't know why im at this again
it's furiating and i've got so much things to do and im right here. waiting. i think at this point in time i'm more intrigued than anything else. (you probably have no idea what im talking about, but its okay cux no one knows of it except me)

anw. it's fuirritating ( its a new vocab i learnt but im never gg to say it out unless im super pissed. anw its like fugly) that when i'm not near the computer i have loads in my mind but once i sign into my blog, my brain is like empty. argh. it's like a mental block, just more complicated. i am convinced that blogging and me don't really go together, but then again, im too lazy to keep a diary ( if i do, im certain that there will be less than 10 entries altogether). isloth.

seems that everyone is running away from singapore. ok not literally running, but gg overseas to study. and i know the stupid saying where the grass is always greener and better and everything is happier on the other side, but i can't help feeling sucky and envious. maybe it seems as if they have more to look forward to that makes me jealous cux im stuck in here, thinking that i've taken the wrong path. suddenly i see so little in front of me that its kinda scary. i need someone to take me through this.

2008-01-25T15:26:00.000-08:00

i think the time comes when we trash it out. i don't know what we are gg to do but i think we should do it. and it's not gg to be easy, i know. but it's obvious that we are unhappy with each others' guts so there's still the rest of the semester and im dying from keeping everything inside me already. so there.

2008-01-23T01:04:00.000-08:00

i'm just thinking how long i can tolerate this without exploding someday. helpppppp.

2008-01-21T07:17:00.000-08:00

im officially hating msn. gahhhh.
and school's network too. gahhhh.

2008-01-20T09:23:00.000-08:00

msn is not working with me here today. super irritating.

anw been wanting to blog recently but didnt have the time, with work and more work gg on im going a bit crazy.. ask my friends and they will tell you i've been laughing at too much nonsensical stuff.. trust me, it keeps me sane.

lately i've been thinking about the cartoon movie lion king ( think i got inspired by some lion doctumentary that i was watching and i know u probably think that i've got better things to do and YES i do but do i want to do it?) anw. lets not digress. i think there's a fundamental problem to this whole movie, which probably remains the reason why i never liked it very much; it just doesnt make much sense. my whole point is: why is a lion made the KING?? doesn't it prey on pretty much anything that has blood and runs on 2 or more legs ( aka MOST animals in the jungle). granted, it looks majestic and everything, but HELLO i wouldnt want a king who eats my kind thank you very much. speaking of which, u dont see simba chewing on poor bambi's meat right?

i call it the disney syndrome. and the thing is, i think we all have it. it probably sounds ludicrous to you, but it makes some sense to me; well at least i think it makes sense. i say most of us have it because we always try to protray what people want to see of us and hide what conflicts with this image. like lion king, we dont see them preying and chewing on some bloody raw beef but rather, we see them fighting for the rest of the animal kingdom with bravery and blahblahblah. i guess it's partly cux we don't want to see it too ( because it's a hero what and heroes are perfect). no demand, no need to supply right?

so, u're probably thinking now that elaine is thinking too much and she has too much free time. NO she doesnt really have a lot of free time, just that she's trying to divert her brain's attention to other stuff. lol, my whole point is, no one is perfect, and we shouldn't try to make ourselves perfect ( or at least, don't try extremely hard). having disney syndrome sucks cause we try to hide ourselves half the time and we end up not knowing ourselves at all.

im writing all this crap cux msn is not working with me here so i don't have ppl to bombard my stuff to. lol

2008-01-07T08:25:00.000-08:00

on wikipedia:

A double standard refers to the treatment of one classification of people differently than other groups of people

The Concise Oxford English Dictionary

a rule or principle applied more strictly to some people than to others (or to oneself)

i know that EVERYONE has double standards ( cux of our natural tendency to favour ourselves more than others) but some just feel a lot more privileged than others. so much more that their character has become very inconsistent and hard to predict. it's not something that i feel very comfortable about. and i wished i never saw this side.

2007-12-08T21:16:00.000-08:00

it's been raining cats and dogs and rats and cockroaches.... whatever. you get what i mean right its just a sucky weather for most things cux nothing gets dry around here. and i feel perpetually sleepy all the time.

getting along with others seem even harder at this period of the time. maybe it's pms i don't know but it's definitely not a good thing. it's the slightest thing that makes me feel like pulling the hair off another person and chew his/her head off.

where's my christmas spirit gone?? i probably have forgiven but maybe not forgotten some things that i should have. i want to make myself happier, really. i don't want to be bothered by trivial stuff. i want things back where they were, much more simplified in my complex mind ( which doesn't make it simple, by the way).

2007-11-30T20:21:00.000-08:00

exams are finally over and im thinking less and less about the mistakes i made... seriously i know it's no use crying over split milk, but i just can't help it. and it really sucks too, cux it haunts me every night.

and it scares me that friends around me might one day never be around anymore because they are the ones in my life that make me sad, happy, overwhelmed angry. life is really precious because its a miracle in itself to have one. there shouldn't be any reason to take it away, no matter how serious things are. i might sound angry but im really more worried than furious at you. it's not the theory whether one should control his and her own life but rather the fact that i cherish you as my friend so you should cherish your life too.

i don't know why im so worriesome! but there's always God to answer my calls and to soothe me of my worries. i know cux God has worked wonders for me and he has answered me! i think. i know. i think im ready, finally, to take the next step forward. i've been stuck in a rut for such a long time i thought i would never get out of it. it's a sense of release, knowing finally what you need to do and what you should do. it sounds like i need an external locus of control, but i don't. i just need guidance.

2007-11-19T01:57:00.000-08:00

i have high levels of neuroticism. i get anxious over everything. HOWHOW im gg to da bao for NBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! gah. im gg to fail my sem. fail fail fail.

im gg to calm down abit.

2007-11-16T03:41:00.000-08:00

just a little observation from yours truly.

when u see only one amongst the rush of people.

that is the one.

hmmm no wonder they say love is blind.

i guess in that sense. it is true.

how easy it is to see through someone. or maybe i'm just skeptical of everyone.

2007-11-15T03:36:00.000-08:00

it's less than 24 hours away fr my first end of sem exam...

time seems to pass by so fast when you're caught in a rush. suddenly you just wake up and realise you got yourself trapped in it all and you know its really too good to be true. and at crossroads, you don't know what to choose.. and the thing is, you know very well what lies ahead in each of these paths but the sacrifice that entails these 2 paths seem to be too great.

the agony of choosing.

2007-11-09T20:34:00.000-08:00

it's not that i don't believe, it's just that i need more time, time to come to terms with it, time to get ready for You. don't ask me what's stopping me from being ready. i don't know, i really don't. maybe it's the fact that i am reluctant ( the implications of it all scares me a little), maybe its him that works within me.

2007-10-26T00:27:00.000-07:00

i finally know what regret tastes like.
it's bittersweet of cynicism, complemented with the salty taste of tears.
and it's somewhat haunting, its subtle flavor lingers in your mouth.
it's an aftertaste, one which you can't seem to get rid of.

2007-10-19T02:33:00.000-07:00

my past is coming back to haunt me.
ahhhh!
how horrible.

anw! exams are coming. and im in deeppp shit. hownowbrowcow. cant seem to concentrate on stuff cux theres too much going on. and stats! i want my A! OR ELSE I DIEEE and marketing is BLEH.

and i want to meet up with my friends!

and im sick and tired of hearing my own excuses and other peoples excuses!

i want real reasons.

2007-10-01T19:20:00.000-07:00

there are certainly many reasons to like a person, who's to say which is correct and which is wrong? we claim that it is senseless to like people from the way they look or the fact that they treat you well. yes, the reasons may be irrational, but at the end of the day, love itself is irrational. and when we judge a person's way of love, we fail to look at our own idiosyncracies. which is a irony in its own right.

so i shall judge love no more.

2007-09-24T07:31:00.000-07:00

lookingback on previous posts, i think i sounded like i was gg to commit suicide. okay no i was not, just v stressed and worried about alot of stuff in school.

anw pageant is over! though i didn't win anything, im really quite happy that everything is over.. of cux winning would be icing on the cake, but seriously, u would have thought that i had won judging from how happy i was that night..

post pageant days are fun with late night tcs and hanging out with friends:D just that i kinda forgot the whole main point of ntu--studying. oops. but i love school and i love studying too!

and i just wanna thank my friends who got worried for me; sorry that i got u guys worried but i really appreciate it:D

mostly, i thank friends who are there for me.

2007-09-10T10:31:00.000-07:00

i hate crying in front of others; it really shows how vulnerable i am.
i know that im weak, and i yearn to be stronger.
but in the end, i'm just a person who doesn't have a clue.

2007-09-03T20:03:00.000-07:00

im frustrated, annoyed and a bit disappointed.

i don't want anyone to feel obligated, nor anyone to feel like they gotta sacrifice something better in order to be a friend. i'd be very happy if u can come, but not if i feel like u didn't want to but yet u do because u feel obligated. it's not so complex if u think about it. if u have something on, then don't go. don't feel so bad about it.

it's that simple.

disclaimer: i really appreciate your efforts, but i can't help feeling the way im feeling.

2007-08-31T06:27:00.000-07:00

this is an uphill sloping task! but i shall do it and i will make it ! and the Lord will guide me through my whole character building process cause i know he is around((:

and being ambivalent about tons of stuff, it's exhausting.
and people, they are never what i percieve them to be.
and time, it's never enough.

i'm complaining about a lot of things, but im just adjusting to new people, new kinds of people, new environments and new politics.

actually it's just the latter.

2007-08-25T19:19:00.000-07:00

coming to terms with everything that's been happening is much too difficult. i know it's a very very conscious decision, and i'm probably reading too much into everything that surrounds me. but im struggling with my choice every waking moment of the day. i don't know. don't ask me why. just tell me to relax.

2007-08-14T21:56:00.000-07:00

and my friend, if u do visit my blog and see this, u can never lose what u never had. they aren't friends, and my friendship will never be lost.

2007-08-14T21:38:00.000-07:00

judgement..i never thought it would come to me. and seriously, i'm not sure if i enjoy being under the scrutiny of others. i never felt comfortable in my own skin before, i always wanted to be someone else or just hide under everything. i'm scared what this might do to me. i just want to be happy. not pretty, not famous, and most of all, not notorious. so please. don't take away the little sense of pride i have in myself.

2007-08-11T06:41:00.000-07:00

school has finally started!

it has been a rather busy week for me with everything coming together after 9 months... moving in hall, having foc ( freshie orientation camp not free of charge), having business orientation, and lects! ugh. the last item on the list made me shudder.

still adjusting to my condo like hostel( which is not too difficult in the material sense). Rather, the lack of internet in my room and my family makes me feel a little lonely and homesick sometimes! thank goodness i went for my hall camp and made new friends! but still, nothing compares to home((:

lately i've been having loss of words which is kinda weird, considering that it never really happened to me in my life before! it's really weird, maybe my boring life has sucked all conversational topics out of me and it's really really a bad time to be tongue-tied when youre trying to click with new people. HELP! it really sucks.

2007-07-24T00:15:00.000-07:00

just had lunch! i cooked!*beams* and no, i don't think i'm gonna suffer from food poisoning later. i had asparagus bacon parcels! yummy*beams again*

life has been really the same after coming back from rainy tokyo, with the earthquake and typhoon welcoming me when i was there ( how lucky can i get?) And, instead of queuing for stupid donuts in singapore, i went to queue for FAMOUS krispy kremes in tokyo while i felt the tremor of the earthquake( which happens to be quite a strong one, but luckily did not happen in tokyo). Actually i didnt know that the tremor came from the earthquake cux i DIDNT know there was one, so i continued queuing ( so did the rest of the queue, sadly). Ah, how blessed are the ignorant( not the bimbotic).

food in tokyo is fantastic ( even though i did not get to eat sashimi which is soooo ironic).. i miss the ramen sooooo much! the shop is kouryu and it has branches all across the city.. it's soooo rich in flavour! sigh. i wanna go back just to eat the ramen again. even buns and cakes from their convenience store are so soft it's like your eating white clouds! i think i'm addicted to their food. seriously.

2007-07-21T08:16:00.000-07:00

i just did some emotional spring cleaning(: though the act may seem trivial and probably even childish to some, but it felt like a breathe of fresh air, like i could finally drop this friendship that has bothered me since i can't remember when. it's not that i don't want to remember; it hurts me too much to do so. i never liked to be on the losing end.

anw! shall stop being a drama queen or emo for now cux it's dampening everyone's mood! i got air con hall! yipppeee! though it is a little far fr biz school but its really quite nice! sorta like condo on a hill top. can't wait to move in with hongli and we can have mini sixoh gatherings ( with the seniors too!) so fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

p.s: shopping in tokyo is so fun! i heart tokyo shopping((:

2007-07-08T19:55:00.000-07:00

i just received my yearbook and cert! after a month of forgetting, i finally climbed the hill of njc under the sweltering sun to get it. and argh. i looked horrible ( as usual) in my class photo.

i hate hate yearbook photos. it's like, they ALWAYS catch you when u're most unflattering ( like when u're opening your mouth in the size of a donut to scream on the top of ur lungs cux that's how you show your 'spirit' and your love towards the school) and they take u at an angle that shows your double or triple chin, whichever is more applicable.

and the thing is, you want to be remembered (obviously not for looking ugly) by others in a good way. we spend an unimaginable number of minutes in the toilet arranging our hair, practising our smiles that we are going to paste on our faces during the phototaking. BUT no, unfortunately it's not possible for the 90 percent of us ( do u see alot of cute guys and girls in your year book?) to look at least ourselves, if not better.

at the end of the day, when we thought that nothing could go wrong, the photos turned out to be anything but good. hair looks wrong, smiles are crooked, eyes too small, angle wrong, posture wrong.

and we laugh ( that's going to be ten years from now when we stop cringing or when we finally dare to take out our yearbooks from the dusty storeroom). it's really the memories of the school people ( your crush, friends who pon all those lectures with you, the horrible but nice teachers who can and can't teach) rather than the horrible hairstyle, or the sloppy uniform that makes the yearbook YOUR yearbook.

but that's going to be ten years from now. so excuse me, while i bury away my yearbook in my storeroom.

2007-07-04T01:08:00.000-07:00

i feel soooooo sick. not literally of course, but argh why does one have time to do stupid, meaningless things yet none to do things that really matter? like having 938120395664322 friendster contacts yet only probably 1% of that gazillion contacts are actually life-sized friends. don't these people have any better things to do?

Granted, i don't have 9881237475211111 contacts, but i have 6 life sized, big hearted great friends, whom i really wanna pay a tribute to right now(:

to number 1 and number 2: you probably wont read this ( and no one really comes here anw lol), i really love you! it's been a great hmmm 10 years since i got to know both of you ( and it always makes me feel so old!) Although we do spend alot of time apart, im glad that we're together more often now, especially when life's trials seem to be more and not less as we grow up. from our toot toot hairstyles and (my buck teeth ) until now, i do think we've all changed on the outside ( for the better of course) but inside, we know what really matters ( duh, our friendship). i hope you guys will continue to support me, and likewise me to you for always.

to number 3 and 4: i STILL don't know how come we became good friends ( we've talked about this for a long long long time!) you guys always know how to make me feel good about myself and i love hanging out with you all. sometimes this isnt easy for we are so different and our ties seem to fade with each passing day, i hope and pray that this is only temporary, for we are all going through a transition right now. sometimes i wished somethings had not been said , and sometimes i wish i didnt say the things i said that have been real hurtful to you. and sometimes i wished i didnt judge you for the friends you hang out with, but maybe im just jealous they have you and i don't. so yeap. hope that we still have this friendship going on okie

number 5: we always get into trouble during stupid chem practicals and whatnot. i guess we're so similar yet so different that's why we click most of the times and don't sometimes. i regret not getting along with you during that period of time where it should give us the most beautiful memories, but i don't regret having you for a companion at all because your friendship is what really matters and frankly, is more beautiful than any scenery. thanks for always being a call away and being my shrine, for if it wasn't for you my brain would go wonky sooner or later. thanks for keeping me sane.

number 6: i havent always got along with you, but the present is what matters. im glad that u're there to bring colour to my boring life, to make shopping trips with me and dinners with me in town after work. what am i gg to do without my shopping partner!!!!!!! it's difficult to part and even more so for you, but im looking forward to your coming back already. life has something in store for you and me and we gotta embrace it!

and to a number 7: u may be lost to me, but never forgotten. somehow, somewhere in my heart, im always waiting for your friendship to come back. but i cant ever welcome you back with open arms, because u've broken this friendship of trust again and again.

with all this said, im gg to embrace my university years with enthusiasm! it's gonna be funnnnnn and im going to meet MR PRINCE CHARMING aka my future husband!!!!!!!!! lol.

2007-06-13T19:22:00.001-07:00

it's about 15 mins before i go out so decided to blog

anw life's as usual, managed to meet danika (from america!) for dinner together with celine and chris... i think she found it boring thou, cux it's been so long and sometimes its difficult to carry on a conversation... but somehow we still have a bond there which really touched me cux despite not having met for like 4 years we can still chat casually! hahas

it's really ironic really, when friends apart can still keep in touch, wherears friends living in the same red dot don't even bother to even reply... i don't know if i can continue this friendship cux i feel so taken for granted it's not even something that i would joke around about it anymore. i feel very disheartened and i think im slowly losing her as my friend. which is probably fine if i didn't cherish it, but the opposite is true.

and i want to spend more time with you, but it frustrates me that our schedules are totally opposite of each other! i'm a little disappointed, but that's just normal.. love you and girlfriends forever okays.

2007-06-06T18:28:00.000-07:00

time to update bloggy!

been spending time at work, tuition and with God!

gosh i'm still confused but i am searching for answers to the catholic and protestants affair. it's really weird you know? we believe in the same God but it's just that we have different practices and this can actually result in inner conflicts that lead to deaths and hatred in countries ( ireland). it's just very bizzare to me.

and im disappearing from my friends' lives! hello im still here!!! or rather, my life is disappearing from me)): it's like work is so tiring that i have no energy left to do any other stuff and i WANT to spend more time with my friends! especially those going overseas!!!!!! it's really of a case where the heart wants yet the body is too weak( tired, sore feet, swollen feet)..

anyways i miss all of you! hope to spend more time with you guys soon! ( next week im freeeee!)

smiles always!

2007-05-29T19:06:00.000-07:00

it's so weird, i popped by lw's blog and found this tag:

nus bus y2 student: of cos nus is more recognised than ntu ... like rj is more prestige than other jc .... sry , dunno how jus happen to pass by ur blog

like huhhh??! the only reason why nus is more recognised is because of its med and law faculty and that's what makes its overall ranking better than ntu. AND in terms of bus and acc, ntu is more established and has more accreditation to its name. AND i don't want to spend 2 sems doing econs when i can do it in one. AND ntu bus has a wider scope and I just like ntu better. AND just to correct his/her sentence: rj is more PRESTIGIOUS than other jc (which is really quite debatable actually).

each is entitled to his or her own opinion.

it's like so irritating, why are some people so elitist? like i went to a particular open house and one of the students said that their school is more friendly and cool for its english speaking environment rather than ___, which is more cheena. so does that mean that being chinese speaking CHINESE we are not as cool as those who CANT speak an ounce of chinese to save their souls? it's really exasperating to find these kind of people!

argh. wth.

2007-05-10T09:27:00.000-07:00

today is happy day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

went to eat kfc with char and striderrrrr. so happy, so like the days when we were the happy weekend mugging gang, chatting for 10 mins for every 5 mins of work, taking DAMN ugly photos at the esplanade and stuff. now we've all got our separate lives, and everything's so different now. i don't mean in a negative connotation actually, for it just means that we have a wider social circle, and sometimes its difficult to meet up all the time and do funny spaz things that we used to during our jc life.

den we went to do manicures and pedicure for me! wheets i love my nails now, even though the red on my toes have already chipped))): and got bubbles on my fingers )))):

evening was spent with sixoh girls! i love them to bits they just make me feel so happy and i just feel that organising any outing is worthwhile cux they make the effort to come. and i finally gave lulu the pressie that i've kept for soooo long (and thus it looked a bit like kiam chai ). tried nett's favourite roast chicken! haha i quite like it if not for the fact that the chicken was so difficult to dissect that i gave up after eating two thirds of it. and vanessa the star shooter came haha so honoured cux i havent seen her for like the longest time.

but it's so funny that i love them even though we don't talk for EXTREME LONG PERIODS OF TIME and that i feel that i can be myself when im with them. there's no need to pretend im strong, prim and proper with them cux im really not.

it's a feel good day and i love it.